What You Need to Know - Psychological Flexibility
What You Need to Know - Psychological Flexibility
The following series on psychological flexibility is written by Dr. Margaret Penfold, Psychologist
What is Psychological Flexibility?
When we are being psychologically flexible, we are attending to the needs of the day as they come up in a way that is connected to who and what is important to us, while also letting ourselves consider the information available to us about our external reality and internal experiences. Practicing psychological flexibility is much easier for us when things are going according to plan, we are feeling generally safe and secure, most of our needs are being met, and we happen to be experiencing pleasant emotions.
The holiday season is an exciting and joyful time for many. It’s also a difficult and painful time for many. No matter your feelings about this time of year, everyone faces some challenges and pain points. Emotions tend to run higher than usual, and we might feel pressure from others and ourselves to accept many social invitations, requests to do extra tasks, and to try to uphold traditions. As we all know, plans can change quickly and there are things that will bring up a range of emotions, including difficult ones, and this is when practicing psychological flexibility can be much harder to do.
It is normal to struggle with our practice of psychological flexibility - it is part of the human condition. However, it is something we can learn to do more of in a variety of ways:
Allowing yourself to check-in with the present moment
Opening up to the range of experiences you are having
Doing what matters most to you
Practicing mindfulness through meditation.
Check in with the Present Moment
In all of us there is a part that can notice things from moment to moment. As you read these words, you’re probably having some thoughts about what is written here; maybe you’re noticing the smells and sounds around you; you might also notice that your mind is being pulled to something that happened earlier today or yesterday or to thinking of something that is coming up later today or this week. By tuning in to your ability to notice, you have an opportunity to consider internal and external information that is available to you. You can use this information to make the most of the experiences that you’re finding enjoyable and rewarding and you can also use this information to help you make choices about coping or problem solving effectively when the need arises.
Sometimes it’s challenging to get in touch with the present moment, and attending to sensory information – sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch can be helpful. Even taking a few moments to press your feet into the floor, or your back against the chair you are sitting on, or noticing how it feels as the air you breathe goes in and out of your nose or mouth can be helpful.
When you notice that things are feeling difficult or uncomfortable, you can remind yourself that you’ve experienced difficult and uncomfortable things before, they have varied in intensity, and have passed by. Our emotions and thoughts come and go just like the weather does, and the entire time the part of you that can notice things is always there, just like the sky is always there and has room for all types of weather.
We’re so much more than the feelings and thoughts we’re having. See if you can connect with your “sky-ness” and practice noticing. Yep, I’ve decided that’s a word.
Opening Up to Experiences
Let yourself think for a moment about some of your favorite holiday memories. You can likely recall what you were doing, who was with you, and the pleasant feelings you had. Next, ask yourself if these times were completely free of setbacks, mistakes, worry about how things would turn out, sadness, frustration, or anger? I expect that the answer is “no” for a lot of you. It’s common for our most favorite and meaningful experiences to include some element of discomfort.
As humans, we naturally tend to want to get away from painful thoughts and feelings and want to hang on to the pleasant ones. There is nothing wrong with this in and of itself – getting away from pain has usually been an adaptive preference for us; however, if we over prioritize this as a goal or a continuous state of being, we can end up expending a lot of unnecessary energy, experiencing more unpleasant emotions, and likely missing out on the richness and sweeter parts of the experiences we’re having.
It can be helpful for us to work on letting go of some of our efforts to control thoughts and feelings.
We can practice noticing (connecting with your “sky-ness” – see previous post) and tolerating thoughts and feelings long enough to make choices to cope effectively and engage in important and meaningful activities. Seconds or minutes might be just what you need. This also opens you up to take in the joyful and rewarding parts of the activities and time spent with people you care about.
When things are feeling intense, maybe you take a break and go to another room, go for a walk, or engage in a non-harmful distraction, just to name a few ideas. Take inventory of what has tended to be helpful for you during the holiday season in the past. Make a plan to help yourself cope with whatever may come up.
Doing What Matters to You
As I mentioned, our favourite and most meaningful holiday experiences are often remembered for what we were doing and who we were with more so than what we were feeling or thinking. These are likely to have been times where you were in touch with your values and were engaging in action that lined up with those values.
Values can be thought of as actions and qualities of action. For example, if you value “being kind to others”, you can do kind things (e.g., helping someone with meal preparation) and you can do something in a kind way (e.g., speaking with a kind tone or words).
Sometimes our values are clear to us, and sometimes we might need to check-in with ourselves and get back in touch with them. Let yourself reflect on the recent times you have felt most alive and present and you will likely find some direction.
Each day we do many things – big and small – and each thing is something we can trace back to a value or something we do to make our life work for us. Same thing goes for our engagement in activities around the holiday season. However, there are only so many hours in each day and our brains are like batteries that need regular rest and recharging time - and not just through sleep. We can make choices about how we allocate our precious time and energy that are guided by our values and sometimes this means deciding to do less or simplifying what we are choosing to do.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
To recap: Connecting with our “sky-ness” lets us tune into the information available to us, which helps us to practice tolerating the information when it is in the form of difficult feelings or thoughts, and this gives us some mental wiggle room (and flexibility) to look at what is important to determine the most workable way for us to use this information.
“Workable” can look quite different from day to day, and person to person, depending on personal circumstances, inner resources, and context. I hope you will practice being kind and patient with yourselves and each other.
Dr. Margaret Penfold is a psychologist at Wolseley Wellness Centre. She blends a client-centered approach with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) approaches. Dr. Penfold has appointments available for individuals aged 18 to 65 at our Corydon Avenue location. To book an appointment or for more information please call us at (204) 775-5521.