Relationship Communication Tips
Your words matter
Join counsellor Jacqui Fox, MMFT, as she shares two ways to improve communication and foster connection in relationships.
Reframing Your Complaints
It’s common to hurl complaints at your partner in the heat-of-the-moment, but this often leads to a communication breakdown. Rather than focus on your complaint, consider what you’d like your partner to do instead of the undesired action. Once you know what you’d like from your partner, frame it as a request in a positive way using “I statements".” This reduces feelings of blame and judgement. For example:
Original Complaint: You always forget to buy nachos. Or, your never initiate nacho-making.
Reframed Request: Could we make nachos a priority again? It would make me so happy if we had more nachos in our lives. I loved when we used to make nachos more regularly. How can we get back to that?
In the above example, the individual uses “I statements” to communicate information to their partner without judgement or blame. “I statements” reduce mind-reading and assumptions, as you express what you want and need. It also allows room for your partner to respond and express themselves. Make sure to communicate with compassion, patience, appreciation and collaboration with talking with your partner.
Avoid Bundling Your Complaints
What is bundling? It’s not just an internet provider packaging term! Maybe you’ve heard of it as “kitchen sinking" it?”
Bundling is where we store up our complaints and grievances then…kaboom, kapow, shazam-aram-allama! One conflict dominoes the stacked events leading to an unleashing, an unraveling and an undoing. The delivery becomes an inventory of past disappointments and hurt leading to contempt and defensiveness. This often causes a communication shut-down.
How can you reduce the risk of bundling?
stay in the moment as much as possible by focusing on the issue at hand
ask consent to continue and consider the timing of your request - is your partner able to hear you right now?
communicate a need to pause or break mid-dialogue OR accept your partner’s initiation of a break
avoid abrupt shut down without communication (ie. stonewalling)
listen with the intent to hear, not to be competitive or to bolster your “case”
breathe deeply to regulate your nervous system
remember that you are on the same team; try to avoid the need to “be right” or “to win” the argument
mind your tone and body language; pause and choose your words wisely
remain respectful to your partner and ask for respect from them
commit to sharing & communicating in the moment, rather than storing grievances for the future
discuss what you both need and how you process difficult conversations
When it comes to communicating with your partner, be gentle. We’re messy humans. There is no final arrival destination when it comes to communication, it’s ongoing learning. And it’s courageous.
Jacqui Fox, MMFT, is an individual and relational therapist. She has a Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Her approach to therapy is client-centred, strength-based and diversity-inclusive. Her intention is to create a safe and supportive space for people to better connect to their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours while considering a social context. She has appointments available for individuals 16+, available by remote session.